Building community is hard work, and at the end of the day you have to be content with the community you’ve built.
Tuesday evening we had approximately 30 people at our house, including five officers from the local police force and our city council representative. They came for hot dogs, appetizers, a wide variety of cookies and friendly conversation. It was National Night Out, and we’ve hosted the event at our house most of the dozen years we’ve lived here because we have a good corner for gathering. Also, we’ve been the official and lately unofficial leaders of our loosely knit Embree Neighborhood Association.
The party doesn’t come together without some work on our part, most important getting the word out. Most years that includes some combination of flyers, signs, email and web notices. This year we went all out, walking up and down the streets to hang invitations on doorknobs and mailboxes at 130 homes. According to my walking/hiking app, we covered 2.5 miles over 90 minutes. It wasn’t physically difficult, but considering today’s climate of public anxiety and caution, I found it stressful walking up to the front doors of strangers.
The interesting thing about all this is no matter how much effort or how little effort we put into publicizing the event, we top out at about 30 people every year. We have a core group of maybe 20 that always shows up, and then we have different combinations of newcomers, old timers and people who are just curious. This year the curious/newcomers included a young woman who said hello to a few folks and walked home with a plate of food. Meanwhile, the people we see the most on a daily basis – the nice family right across the street – continued their tradition of not coming, as did other familiar folks a few houses down, across the street and across the alley.
I can only conclude that some people simply don’t want to get involved. You can promote, cajole, prod, persuade and offer free food and drinks, whatever, and they still won’t come. A week earlier as we walked the street with the invitations, we met a few people at their doors and added a personal encouragement to the printed flyer. None of them came.
I can’t complain because I used to be in that group. In the almost-20 years I lived in my previous neighborhood, I never attended a National Night Out event or any other party the neighborhood association held. I don’t know exactly why that was. I knew my immediate neighbors well enough to call them by name and ask as well as provide help or a favor when needed, but the larger group? I stayed away. I was in the thick of my career, traveling more, busy with family and just wanted some peace and quiet at the end of the day. Maybe that was it, or maybe I’m just making excuses. I’ve never been attracted to parties or large crowds.
But something was different when LeAnn and I married and moved to Embree. Maybe it was because our careers had become less of a daily grind; maybe we were older and more relaxed. Maybe it’s because hospitality is LeAnn’s normal operating mode and I’m pretty good at going along. Whatever the reason, we moved in and got involved pretty quickly, including helping form and lead the neighborhood association.
I’ve had a similar history in church. Before joining Wilshire, I attended church but didn’t get involved beyond just being there. Then I came to Wilshire and something clicked. I’ve been busy and involved, often out of my comfort zone, but Wilshire seems a safe place for introverts and extroverts alike.
The point is: Building community and being community isn’t easy. It’s not for everyone. In our neighborhood, the party was open to anyone and everyone. The people who wanted to be there and could be there showed up. Those who didn’t want to or couldn’t didn’t come. Their choice, and that’s fine. I think sometimes we worry too much about the numbers — how many people come in the door, how many walk down the sidewalk.
More important is the quality of the community, and we have a great core of folks in our neighborhood. The ones who didn’t come Tuesday night are still our neighbors. We’ll still be friendly, respectful and helpful when we see them. Some we never see and don’t know at all, and some we know well enough to depend on them and they on us when a situation requires it. Meanwhile, sometimes being a good neighbor means knowing when to back off and just let people be.